Envy kills confidence.
Here’s my journey with confidence
By Grace K. Bianco
“So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.” Genesis 1:27
I hear a lot about the way people see themselves. It is always so negative. I don’t think that we should be conceited about the way we look, and think that we look better than everyone else. But on the flip side, I don’t think we should completely hate ourselves either.
(**Side note : In my book, “Party Pooper: Growing up with Anxiety” [available on Amazon], I discuss my growth with confidence in different seasons of life in more detail. This is my brief summary on how I became and stay confident.)
My Distorted Body Image
My biggest struggle in life has never been a lack of confidence. Anxiety was always my biggest challenge. But that doesn’t mean I never struggled with my image.
At age twelve, I would eat until I could feel food in my throat. My stomach would hurt and hurt, but I wanted to gain weight. I didn’t want to be the tall and noticeably underweight preteen anymore.
After one night of stuffing my face, I got a terrible stomachache. I screamed for my dad, and he spoon fed me liquid antacid. I realized then that I had a problem.
With the help of my mom and oldest sister, I stopped binging completely. They were there to talk to, and remind me that my worth was not about physical appearance. My mom helped me in eating better portions. Thankfully, I had only been binging for a couple of months, and I never have struggled with it again.
Boyfriends don’t make me prettier.
I compared myself a lot to my two adopted sisters who are also my age. They were curvier, and always seemed to get more “boyfriends” than me.
Finally, in 8th grade, I had my first real relationship. I was thrilled to have a guy like me. I believed that my worth was determined by having a boyfriend. However, our relationship was anything but healthy. It was your typical toxic and petty middle school relationship. I broke up with him after a month.
My oldest sister laughs all the time about how I still bring up my middle school relationship, but I am not trying to bring up the guy I dated. I bring up the important lesson I learned at thirteen years old… I didn’t need a guy to determine my worth and how pretty I am. Boys were drama and too much work for me then.
I went from believing I wasn’t as pretty as my adopted sisters to realizing that I am good enough in less than a years time.
Positive Changes for Better Confidence
Throughout high school, I dated the same guy. Although, I realized that boyfriends do not determine my worth a little over a year before, it did make it easier to not have to worry about whether or not my crush likes me.
When I was in high school, I started realizing the more I complimented other girls instead of wishing to have what they had… the better I started feeling better about myself. I changed my thinking from, “Gosh, I wish I had her hair.” to “Gosh, her hair really suits her.” I didn’t always say the compliment out loud, but it made me stop the terrible comparing that girls struggle with.
When I looked in the mirror, I looked for things I liked about myself instead of focusing on the things I would change. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I could smile instead of frown at all my flaws.
I began wearing things that I thought I looked good in. Even if I was just going to be home all day, I wore things I found cute. I also slept in cute pajamas. I would go to sleep confident and wake up confident.
The little things go a long way.
My Confidence Drop at Twenty
Once I graduated high school, and my high school boyfriend and I parted our own ways. I got on dating apps. After being on dating apps for a few months, I came across my now husband. I have told our story many times in many different ways, but we met in December of 2019 and got engaged in August of 2020.
Soon after our engagement, I got diagnosed with cystic acne. I had just turned twenty in June. It was like all the hormones in my body changed drastically when I entered into a new decade.
My skin wasn’t perfect when I met my husband, but it was nowhere near how bad it got after our engagement. Here I was twenty years old with huge clumps of acne all over my face. No amount of makeup could truly cover those painful red lumps.
I got on Accutane as quickly as I could. I wanted to clear it up as much as possible before our wedding in January.
Unfortunately, I was one of the rare cases that got worse before I could get better. My acne was still pretty rough by the time it was time for our wedding. I spent $200 on just makeup. It was hard coming to terms with the fact that I was still unable to hide it all with thick layers of expensive makeup.
My dose ended up having to be upped to the maximum dosage. Even with all that, I was still put on it for an extra month. After six long months on Accutane, my acne finally turned into bad scarring. That I am still dealing with a few months later.
Where I am at Now
It was really hard dealing with cystic acne. It caused me to be the most self conscious that I had ever been. My husband has always been really nice about it. It is still not fun waiting for the acne scars to clear up. A lot of the time, it still looks like I struggle with acne even though it’s only just red scarring.
I still do my best to look in the mirror and find things I do like. I still think positively of girls instead of being envious towards them.
We were created in God’s image. All of us unique in our own ways. We could compare ourselves to each other all day long, but everyone has at least one thing they would change if they could. Life is so much more than wanting to be someone you could never be. Instead, focus on the beauty within. Be kind to others. Be remembered for your genuine and caring spirit. Think of the impact that has over just having a pretty face.
I will end with a quote, “Waterfalls and Christmas lights are both pretty, but they are completely different.” I don’t know who it is by, and I, probably, messed up the wording a little bit as well. However, the point remains the same. You are beautiful in your own different way.
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My book, Party Pooper: Growing up with Anxiety, is available now on Amazon (eBook and Paperback).
