Whatever He wants from me, He can have.
Everyone is on their own journey when it comes to their faith. Some are new, and some have grown up believing. There is no right or wrong path (as long as the path leads to Christ).
For me, I grew up believing, and I never really turned away. God has been my entire life for as long as I can remember.
I lived in the typical Christian home, and I was homeschooled for five years. My parents adopted four children from Ukraine. I was always taught the importance of loving God and loving people.
Somedays, I feel like I am at an “advantage” (in terms of how easy it is for me to believe). While most days, I believe I am just like everyone, new to faith or not.
When I realized Atheism is a thing…
I was in early elementary school when I invited a friend to church with me. She explained that she didn't believe in God. I was stunned. I didn't realize that was even a choice. I genuinely believed that everyone lived in the luxury of knowing God.
Obviously, I was young, but it did make me think hard. In my head, I couldn’t understand NOT believing in God. It made so much sense to me, and the alternative definitely did not.
After that, I invited her to every fun event my church had. I prayed for her. I told my family to pray for her. When I was in middle school, I started my own Bible study, and she was first on my list to invite. Sadly, we grew apart over the years, and she never became a Christian.
I wish I could have made more of an impact, but at that point, it was up to her to open her heart to God. Although her heart wasn’t changed, I truly believe mine was.
I realized then that knowing God wasn’t something to take lightly. I should thank God for even knowing Him. I should thank God for giving me parents who loved Him, and could teach me to love Him as well.
I believe this realization at such an early age made it “easy” to follow Him. In my head, it was a privilege to know Him, and it was up to ME to continue following Him.
When I became an angry Christian…
Throughout my five years of being homeschooled (4th through 8th grade), my mom pounded into my head that being different wasn’t only okay but great. Peer pressure was to get us to fit in with the world but not in God’s kingdom.
By the time, I went into high school. Peer pressure was laughable to me. I wasn’t tempted. I didn’t rebel. I followed the school’s rules and my parents’ rules. The worst I did was talk too much during class.
But as the years in high school went on, I was surrounded by darkness. No one besides my sister, who was in the same grade as me, saw the world like I did. My gratitude turned to anger.
I was furious with God for not changing the hearts around me. My prayers were angry and full of disgust.
I never became a rebellious teen, but I consider my secretive anger towards God just as bad.
When my anger dissolved…
When I was 18, I broke up with the guy I had been dating for a few years. I realized through that break up that God really could take ANYTHING and make it good.
I didn’t go to college like I originally planned. I was a full-time nanny and a beginner writer at the time. I would get up for work in the morning with this fire to live. I will never forget the sudden joy and hope I had. My whole life was ahead of me, and I felt like I was given a new beginning.
When I joined a Bible study, that fire in me only burned more. I was surrounded by like minded people, and Wednesdays became my favorite day of the week.
I felt like I did as a child. I felt that childlike faith again, the unwavering trust to believe what can’t be seen. I felt that gratitude of just knowing God’s existence again.
I never stopped believing, but my anger made me doubt. I wasn’t thankful to be a Christian… I was frustrated that so many weren’t. I never ever hated nonbelievers, but I hated that I felt helpless in showing them how I felt about God.
I know now how much of their hearts are simply in God’s hands. I can preach my story, but it’s up to them to open their hearts. I also learned the importance in having friends who are like minded and push me closer to God.
Do I have it easy?
Since I grew up believing, I feel like many believe I have an advantage. My testimony isn’t THAT dramatic. I still don’t deal with strong temptations. So, do I have it easier?
No.
God has shown me grace, but He wants to show you the same.
I struggle with harsh anxiety every single day, but God still brings joy into my life and blesses me abundantly. Angry Grace is still there. She wants to come out and be mad at nothing sometimes. Yet, God teaches me patience and forgiveness. I know a lot of Bible verses, and I know a lot about God. BUT I don’t know everything.
I don’t have it easier, but I do choose to open my heart to God every single day. I choose to surrender this life to Him. I choose to sacrifice everything to follow His path for me.
Never in a million years would I have thought my life would be the way it is now. I say that both in a positive and negative way, but I trust that God knows what to do with my life WAYYYY better than I do.
Whatever He wants from me, He can have.
Bible Verses
“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: ‘Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven…’” — Matthew 18:2-4
“My Christian brothers and sisters, you know everyone should listen much and speak little. He should be slow to become angry.” — James 1:19
“When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy.” — Psalm 94:19
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” — Proverbs 3:5–6
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” — Matthew 7:13–14
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