I Want To Be Perfect
Nothing More, Nothing Less
By Grace K. Bianco
You don’t expect perfection from everyone else. So, why do you expect that from yourself?
There is not a single person, living or dead, on this planet (besides Jesus) that is/was 100% perfect. It’s an impossible goal to achieve. Everyone knows this. I am stating something most people have said at least once. We either say it to ourselves or to those around us.
Yet, here I am. I am here to talk about something that I both want and don’t want to change about myself. I will share how it makes life harder and easier, but mostly, how it just makes life harder.
How I Ended Up Here
It’s common for people who struggle with anxiety to be people pleasers. I have struggled with anxiety since I was four years old, and as I have gotten older, I crave people’s approval.
As a Christian, this is a terrible mindset. I shouldn’t be seeking the validation this world has. So, I will put out there that I don’t lose myself completely to gain someone’s approval. I never become someone I am not. I never do things I shouldn’t do. I stay true to my values and morals.
However, I still find myself trying really hard. I avoid controversy as much as possible. I am constantly critiquing myself. When I upset someone, I feel awful. I try to apologize and regain that person’s approval. If someone doesn’t like my husband, he shrugs. If someone doesn’t like me, I talk about it for days.
Growing up, I just had this mindset towards my parents. My family went through a lot of hard things, and I never wanted to make things worse. I tried hard in school. I followed rules. I did what I was told to do. I didn’t lie or push the boundaries. When I still managed to mess up, I would cry and apologize. I wanted to be the best kid for them.
When I was in high school, I wanted to be liked, but I didn't obsess over it. It wasn’t until I graduated that I started caring about what people thought of me. Honestly, it doesn’t make much sense to me. How did I manage to start caring when I wasn’t even in a judgmental public school anymore?
I thought people would start judging my life choices (breakups, dropping out of college, career path, new relationships, marriage, etc.). I was scared about what they would think of my very open writing.
I got into my own head, and as much as I love the life I have now, I have struggled to get back out of it.
Perfectionist in Marriage
This desire to please comes up a lot in my marriage. My entire life I have wanted to be a wife, and now, I want to be the best one there is. I left my parents who I looked towards constantly for approval, and I married someone who I look towards for approval now.
If I mess up dinner in any kind of way, it ruins my night. If I am not having a good day, I struggle expressing myself, because I want to always seem happy. If I forgot to clean something and my husband notices before me, I feel like I have failed.
Once I got married, I realized that I came from a pretty validating and reassuring family. When my husband didn’t respond to things in the same way, I took it as me failing as a wife.
I don’t expect my husband to be perfect. So, why do I expect myself to be perfect?
It’s something I am always working on. The longer my husband and I are together the more I understand how he communicates. He may not validate the exact way my parents and siblings did, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t validate in his own ways. He also understands that I try really hard for him, and he is learning how to respond to keep me reassured.
Although trying for my husband is not necessarily a bad thing, it can be if it is causing me to get frustrated and sad with myself. I will always try my best for my husband, because he deserves my best. However, I don’t need to critique or be so hard on myself.
Christian Perfectionism
This way of thinking affects so much of my life. Even in my spiritual life, I want to be the perfect Christian. I see the way people talk about God online, and I wish my words sounded like that. I see the way people worship at church, and I wonder if my more quiet ways of worship are good enough. I see how much people volunteer, and wonder if me talking one-on-one to just friends and family about God is even close to making Him happy.
When I upset people, I wonder how much I upset God. How can I be anything like Jesus when I mess up so much?
If I get mad at someone, I scold myself ten times harder. I should be more patient and kind. If I am not okay, I don’t believe that it is okay to not be okay. I should be more joyful and thankful.
Although I should want a good relationship with God, these harsh thoughts are not from Him. God loves His children. He is forgiving and loving. He doesn’t expect perfection. It’s good to try, but He doesn’t want us kicking ourselves when we mess up. If we ask for forgiveness and try harder the next time, I truly believe He smiles down at us.
Final Thoughts
I won’t lose myself to be someone I am not, but I still exhaust myself trying too hard to be the perfect me.
It’s okay to be extra kind. It’s okay to avoid controversy and apologize. It’s okay to try for your loved ones and want to make them proud. It’s okay to desire to be like Jesus.
It’s not okay to believe that you aren’t good enough. It’s not okay to believe that your efforts are worthless.
The point of this blog is that it is okay to try. It is good to want to be a good person. It is good to want to be there for others. It’s when we lose sight of why we want to do good things. Am I trying to do good, because I want someone to like me? Or am I trying to do good for God?
I am still a work in progress. I don’t have many tips to get out of your head, but I believe self-awareness is the first step. I believe that I know what I need to change and what I need to keep. I still want to be the best me that I can be. I want to use the gifts God gave me for the good of others. I want people to think I am nice. I want them to think I am nice, because they see God in me.
In God’s eyes and in the eyes of many others, you are good enough just as you are. You don’t expect perfection from everyone else. So, why do you expect that from yourself? Be the best you that you can be. That’s all you can do. You will mess up, but we ALL do. Your mess ups aren’t the end of the world.
_______________________________
Thanks for reading!! Make sure to click that follow button for more!!
Also, check out my more personal blog newkindofliving.com ❤
My book, Party Pooper: Growing up with Anxiety, is available now on Amazon (eBook and Paperback).
