I’m Stuck In My Own Head
An Attempt at Describing Anxiety
By Grace K. Bianco
We all our given our own trials, and mine just happens to be mental.
How would I describe anxiety to someone who is not anxious? I have come to realize throughout the years that pretty much everyone worries at some point, but anxiety and just worrying are completely different. A lot of non anxious people believe anxious people have more control over their mind, because they are able to dismiss their own worries. It’s not that black and white for people who suffer from anxiety.
I have spent years defending myself, and looking for the perfect way to describe how I feel to a mentally healthy person. Everyone thinks differently, and getting one person to understand you… Doesn’t mean the next person will. I am going to do my best to explain what it is like to be inside of my head.
Whether you relate to me or learn something, I hope this blog sheds light on the importance of mental health and understanding it.
Exhausted but Restless
I decided to write this blog, because I am currently going on over a month of restless sleep. Why not write about anxiety when I am in the midst of dealing with it? I am someone who needs more sleep than the average person. I sleep for about nine to ten hours every night. A mind that thinks a million thoughts a minute has to rest sometimes.
I have always been a good sleeper despite my seventeen years of struggling with anxiety. If I want to take a long nap during the day, I can still sleep through the night just fine. I can drink caffeine any time of day, and go to sleep fine at night.
It’s when I can’t sleep that I know I have let myself become too overwhelmed. This is the longest and most frustrating messed up sleep pattern I have ever had. I have tried melatonin and PM medicines. It still takes serious work and focus to get myself asleep, and then, I will wake up constantly throughout the night.
I wake up in the morning feeling like I didn’t get a single minute of sleep. I will grow exhausted as the day goes on, but I refuse to let myself nap like I used to. I always hope that my fight to stay awake during the day will win me a good night’s sleep, but when I shut my eyes every night, my mind suddenly has too many thoughts to sort through.
If I have so much control over my mind, how come even in my deepest sleep my body is so restless that it wakes me up?
Conversing with Myself
I just found out recently that people who don’t struggle with anxiety only have one voice inside of their brain. This blew my mind.
You know when you are reading a book and you start thinking about a different topic, but you continue to keep reading? You aren’t focused on reading, but yet, there is still a part of your brain helping you to continue reading. Or when you are driving and you reach your destination and you wonder how on earth you got there?
Yeah, that’s how my mind works except its not subconscious. I can have two or more thoughts at the same time. So when people say, anxiety is a battle of the mind. They mean it. One side of our brain is trying to rationalize and comfort. The other side is going into full panic mode.
I believe this “ability” (quotes because I am using a more positive word instead of illness) to think so much at once is why I am able to still be a happy person despite my struggle. There are still positive thoughts in me, and it’s enough to keep me happy. Sometimes, I may just be happy on the outside, but a lot of times, I can still be happy overall even when my anxiety kicks in.
I can choose to be happy most of the time, but I am almost always worried about something. If I had so much control, why do I have more than one voice in my head?
More than Mental
There are many physical side effects of anxiety. Everyone pretty much knows it, but when not so smart things are said about anxiety, it’s like people completely forget this part of it.
The most common ones I deal with are: stomachaches, chest tightness, fatigue (usually lol), shivering but not cold, rapid heart rate, and clammy hands. I could be completely calm, but if you touch my hand, it most likely would be cold and sweaty. Cute, right? I could be relaxing on the couch watching my favorite TV show, but if you check my Apple Watch, it will probably show my heart rate went over 100 BPM five times in the past thirty minutes.
You don’t have to dwell on thoughts for the signs to show themselves. On my happiest of days, I am probably still experiencing one or more symptoms of anxiety. It’s just part of living with anxiety.
When people undermine anxiety, I really try to show how much it can affect one’s body. If I had so much control, why is my body so unsettled?
Final Thoughts
Anxiety is hard, but everyone’s life is hard in some way. This life on Earth is not supposed to be perfect. This is not our home.
As a faithful Christian, I always wonder if God will take this burden from me. I pray through the hard days, and thank God for the good days. If God is so good, why do I feel so bad? Because God is not the one to blame. The fear I feel so heavily is from the evil that was brought into this world. The peace that I get on my heaviest days is from God.
We all our given our own trials, and mine just happens to be mental.
Throughout this blog, I stated “How can anxiety be controlled if…” There are so many ways that my mind and body clash. I am not just worried what the future is or worried about a specific problem. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I am feeling exactly. The one thing I have complete control over is the way I view life and what I make of my trials.
I still love my life. I still have so many positive things to reflect on. I still have countless blessings to be grateful for. As for what I will make of my trials, I will share them with the world. I will encourage those who feel like me, and teach the ones who don’t.
So, how would I describe anxiety to anyone?
I don’t always know the exact answer. Today, it was this blog. Tomorrow, it could be a Bible verse with a Google definition attached. Next week, it could be my entire testimony.
For now, let’s go with… There’s hope for the anxious, and there’s a need for comfort from the non anxious. Where there’s God, there’s peace. Where’s there’s love, there’s encouraging words. Find your strength in God, but don’t be afraid to reach out to the ones who love you.
*Taken from Canva
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