My Busy Mind
Seriously, the wheels are always turning.
By Grace K. Bianco
“What are you thinking about so hard?”
My husband says that to me on the daily. My eyes focus on an object, and according to him, I “scowl” at it. I have been doing it for forever, and thought most people did.
So, what am I thinking about?
My Happier Thoughts
It’s possible I am daydreaming. Sometimes, I stare off, and imagine I am buying a dog. I may be thinking about a food I have been craving. I think a lot about places I want to go, especially California to see my best friend.
I think about people and funny things they say. I think about my husband a lot, and I make myself laugh out loud thinking of the funny things he says.
Maybe, I am scowling at the coffee table, but the thoughts going through my head are not always as bad as they seem in my facial expressions.
My Anxious Thoughts
I am a very anxious person. So I have plenty of thoughts to sort out on the regular.
I pray a lot regularly, despite whatever mood I am in, but when I am anxious, my prayers are even more frequent. My mind is spinning with anxious thoughts, and the only productive thing I can do when I get like that is pray.
I explain to God why I feel the way I do. I ask for guidance, peace, and comfort. I thank Him for listening. Instead of talking to myself, I just talk to Him.
Anxiety is a battle of the mind. So when my anxiety is bad, my thinking becomes deeper, and it’s best to just let me stare. I am debating hard on whether I am being irrational or rational. I am thinking through a lot, and my staring off just helps me go into my own little world.
My Angry Thoughts
This will probably be my more crazy sounding way of thinking…
If I am angry, I am probably having a full on argument in my head with the person. A lot of people do this, but I do it over and over until I feel like I have won the argument. I think of all the things I want to say, and I make the other person say all of the right things.
Usually, my thoughts are unforgiving, and if interrupted by the person who upset me, I will accidentally lash out at sometimes. When I know I am angry, I like to be completely silent. I pray really hard to bite my tongue to not make the situation any worse for myself or the other person.
You know the Bible verse, “… Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19)? Yeah, it’s a common one, and it just plays on repeat in my head. My thoughts are so all over the place that I just want to word vomit them out. As I have gotten older, I try really hard to keep it in my mind until I can be more gentle and communicate my thoughts across effectively. It’s a work in progress.
My Empty Thoughts
Sometimes, when I am staring off, I describe it as, “I am thinking of everything and nothing.”
I will be thinking of so many topics all at once that they hardly have any meaning. I will be thinking of my grocery list one second, and the next I am thinking about a random post I saw three days ago.
So, if my thoughts are just hopping around and you ask what I am thinking about, I will have no idea how to answer. I am definitely thinking, but I probably can’t remember the 53rd topic that just went through my head in the span of five minutes.
Final Thoughts
(See what I did there)
If you haven’t picked up on it, I am a deep thinker. The wheels are always turning. Whether I am daydreaming, praying, arguing, or thinking of a million different topics at once, you can’t look at my facial expression. My RBF (Resting Brat Face — Most people use the “B” word in place of brat) is not my best characteristic, but don’t be intimidated. Chances are I’m probably just thinking about dogs.
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