I Feel So Spiritually Drained
& it’s making me feel so guilty
By Grace K. Bianco
God is good all of the time, and all of the time God is good. — Unknown
That statement is so true. I truly believe that in our roughest trials that God is still so good. I also believe that we are not. I’d answer the common question, “If God is good, why are there so many terrible things?”, with “Because we are bad…” (+more information afterwards).
I recently wrote a blog about my fire for God (read here). I don’t want it to seem like my fire is just a few orange embers gasping for oxygen, but my fire is definitely not blazing as hard as it should be.
Why now?
I go through spiritual exhaustion every so often. I believe it’s when I become too overly aware of my life and the people around me.
I can skip through life in my own little Jesus bubble for a while. My thoughts are full of gratitude. My prayers are full of joyful tears. Reading the Bible feels like drinking icy water on a hot day. Singing worship songs in the car feels energizing. God basically consumes my every thought.
Then, without warning, I wake up one morning, and my bubble is popped. We could say it was Satan. We could say it was this stress or that stress. Maybe, it was this person or that person. But there’s always the possibility I did it myself.
What does it feel like?
Suddenly, I am full of disappointment and overwhelmed with anxiety.
Forgiving my husband seems never ending. I notice his mistakes and where he falls short as if those things make him who he is. I’m consumed with the desire to pick every speck from his eye (no matter how big the planks are in my own)[Matthew 7:3–5].
I look at the world around me in disgust. Do people care about the things that actually matter anymore? How much further will we stray from worshipping God? Why does everyone love themselves and their things more than those around them? Etc.
But before you think, “Gosh, this girl thinks she’s so much better than everyone else…” I also look at myself in the same negative way. I see where I fall short. Every little mistake feels like a massive failure. My negative heart makes me feel like a terrible Christian. I feel helpless. The list goes on.
What do I think it is?
Is God trying to tell me something? Does something need to be changed? Am I overwhelmed with too many things? Is Satan trying to blind my eyes from the good around me?
My best answer/guess is that… It is a little of all of those things. I believe God always wants to change things in me, and I always want to open my heart up for those changes. I am never one to believe that people can’t/don’t change. It’s terrible excuse to never be better.
I believe God wants me to be my husband’s Godly wife, and at times, I get worried that we aren’t doing a good enough job centering ourselves/marriage around Him. Sometimes, I am full of hope, and tell my husband we need to be better. Other times, I keep it all in (like now), and I just get discouraged.
I do struggle with General Anxiety/Paranoia. It is not unusual for me to go through harder times and overthink through things. My life is one big huge change right now, and it does feel like a lot. There’s nothing I can do, but keep going. My only option is to run forward. Sometimes, I get worried I will trip, and I will come crashing down.
I believe Satan also plays a part. It’s okay to want change. It’s okay to want more of God in my marriage and the world around me, but it’s not okay to let it drain me. Satan makes it look hopeless. God makes it look amazing. Satan’s lies are easier for a negative mind to believe. I let him win when I let this drag me down.
Final Thoughts
I think the best way to end this is with some Bible verses that I believe apply here.
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” — Hebrews 4:12
“And he answered, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.’” — Luke 10:27
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” — Romans 12:2
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” — 2 Corinthians 4:16–18
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